Up on the Rooftop!

It was the relatively warm, albeit cloudy, winter of 1999-2000. Cyrus was 5 years old at the time. Kai was 6, or may have just turned 7. A rare January ice storm had just passed through, followed by a strong cold front that ushered in a light dusting of snow and dropping the temperature below zero. Though the wind calmed down the next day, it was downright cold. It was probably the one day that winter where the temperature never rose above zero.

When I got home from work, the boys were already inside watching TV, as their bus had beat me home a few minutes earlier. The first thing I noticed when I stepped inside the door was the strong smell of sewer. Since the time the house had been built a few years earlier, it seemed that whenever we received a lot of snow and/or the temperature dropped below zero, the house would reek of sewer.

Stock photo of a sewer vent that has frosted over.

After a handful of similar occurrences in the first year or two of living at the house, I discovered it was due to one or more of the sewer vents becoming frosted over. This caused sewer gases from the septic tank to be directly vented into the house. Opening up the sewer vents meant venturing out onto the roof in the dead of winter and using a broomstick to poke holes through the frost and knocking any ice that had formed down into the vents.

The easiest way to access the roof was to crawl out one of the second floor windows, onto the roof of the garage, then over to the roof of the house. I usually did this when another adult was around, but this particular day was so cold, and the stench was so bad, that I decided to do it before Kim had come home from work. Though it had rarely frosted over, the vent above the kitchen sink was the one most easily accessed, so I decided to check it out first.

I crawled out the second floor window, onto the garage roof, and onto the roof of the house.

Upon stepping over the peak of the house and onto the other side of the roof, I quickly lost my footing and my feet flew out from under me. I immediately started sliding down the sloped roof. On the way down, I managed to hook my arm around the sewer vent, preventing myself from flying off the edge of the roof and onto the propane grill directly below. My legs dangled from the edge of the roof, resembling a scene quite reminiscent of Clark Griswold in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

I struggled to pull myself up, eventually getting both of my legs back onto the roof. Coming to the realization this endeavor was too dangerous, I abandoned plans for unplugging the sewer vents and looked for a way to get back to the window and inside the house. Easier said than done! After several failed attempts to crawl back up the slope of the roof and losing my footing a couple more times, I decided to ring the house phone.

The nearest sewer vent is the one located above the kitchen. It rarely frosted over.

I called three or four times before one of my boys finally answered. I told them that I was stuck up on the roof, unable to get back inside, and that I was going to try calling their mom. For awhile, I considered yelling to attract the attention of a neighbor, but I was a little too embarrassed, and doubted that any of them were outside at the moment anyhow. It also took three or four calls to finally get ahold of Kim. She was still at work, but said she would leave right away. With the icy roads, it would take longer than normal for her to make it home.

About 15 minutes after my initial call to check on the boys, I tried calling again. There was no answer. It was starting to get dark and I was becoming chilled…laying on the roof was literally sucking the heat out of me. About this time, I heard a clunking noise on the stairs to the deck. I looked down and it was my boys…dragging the extension ladder up the stairs!

The boys carried the ladder from the garage to the back of the house, then up the stairs to the deck.

I stared in disbelief…the boys were only in kindergarten and 1st grade at the time! To this day, I have no idea how they were able to pull that ladder down from inside the garage…to get it horizontal without dropping it on my van and/or knocking out a window, then dragging it through the snow to the deck off the back of the house. Amazing, to say the least! The boys continued to pull the ladder up the stairs, clunking along, step-by-step. Kai called out, “Don’t worry, dad! We’re coming!”

Everything became a blur once they got the ladder up onto the deck. Somehow, the two boys had defied the physics of gravity and levers a second time, and were able to position the ladder vertically underneath my legs. I slowly lowered one of my feet onto the ladder, then a second, and scaled my way down.

As soon as both feet were solidly planted on the surface of the deck, I thanked the boys profusely and told them how proud I was of them. I grabbed the ladder and we made our way back to the garage to put the ladder away. We went back inside the house, took off our winter clothes, and the kids settled back in front of the TV.

I immediately went upstairs to grab some money, thanked the boys again, and gave them a dollar each. Kai smiled and thanked me, but Cy promptly replied, “Dad…is that all your life is worth to you?” I burst out laughing! Not only had I grossly underestimated my boys’ ability to “save” me, but I also grossly underestimated a 5-year-old’s understanding of money. It was about this time that Kim made it home from work. Yes, we had ourselves a funny little story to share!

Cyrus and Kai when they were about 4 and 5 years old.

I am here to tell you that I swear by this Lance Story. It is indeed TRUE and was not simply “inspired” by real events. This is the way it went down, at least as best as I can recall. I hope you enjoyed!

Lance S. Lund
Lance@ChemLancer.com
as remembered and written on November 28, 2020

Addendum:
There are no longer issues with sewer vents frosting over during winter. The problem was solved by insulating the portion of each pipe that extends above the roof line – adding a section of PVC pipe that fit over the existing PVC sewer vent and filling the gap between the two pipes with polyurethane foam. So, if anyone else has experienced the same problem, you now have a potential solution. Contact me if you want details!