G-o-o-o-o-o-o-a-a-a-l ! ! !

Before embarking on a career in academia, I held a variety of blue-collar jobs, many of which led to some rather amusing events. Sometimes it astounds me that I achieved my academic goals and was able to spend most of my 35-year career teaching chemistry in an institution of higher education. Reaching the initial stages of my career required an abundance of hard work, though it often seemed the final stages of my career required even more. This Lance Story brings you one of those amusing on-the-job faux pas that occurred prior to my teaching career.

The scene of this story was the middle school football field in North Branch, MN. The field was the previous Friday night lights home of the varsity football team. When the new high school opened in 1974, the old field was relegated to the middle school. Caring for athletic fields costs a lot of money. Landscaping, lawn care, and athletic funds within a district are prioritized towards the care of the varsity fields.

It was a beautiful day in 1981 while I was working a summer job for North Branch Public Schools. There weren’t enough mowers to keep up with all of the grounds and athletic fields, especially when the school district’s primary large mower experienced frequent mechanical issues.

It was at this time it was suggested that we break out the flail mower and use it to mow the middle school football field as it was getting rather shaggy. The flail mower was attached to the back of a yellow Ford diesel tractor that was also equipped with a hydraulic front end loader. As you examine the photos below, imagine a tractor with both the loader and flail mower attached at the same time (I couldn’t find such a photo online)…that’s one long beast!

A Ford 340 tractor with front end loader and a Ford 340A tractor equipped with a flail mower.

If you are not familiar with a flail mower, it is given this name because it has hundreds of small metal arms that spin and flail around. Think of a person running around with flailing arms. If it isn’t apparent from the above photo, a flail mower is designed for mowing ditches and cutting through brush. The arms rip the tops off of plants and grass rather than cutting them off. Using a flail mower on a large field leaves behind a pattern of grooves approximately 3-4″ apart.

I must admit, as a 16-yr old boy that grew up out in the country driving a tractor from time-to-time on a small hobby farm, the prospect of trying out a new (to me) piece of equipment was rather exciting. It was about a mile drive on the tractor from the equipment garage to the middle school football field. I was ready to mow!

The football field was situated within a quarter-mile cinder track. I drove over the track and raised the loader to a sufficient height to keep an eye on the areas I had already mowed, as well as where I was headed. I cranked up the throttle, put the tractor into gear and took off. Mowing with a flail mower goes fast, as the cut is about 8 feet wide. With each lap, concentric ovals began to take shape as grooves were carved out of the grass by the mower. If one were to gaze out on the field from the top of the bleachers, it isn’t hard to imagine their resemblance to the grooves on a vinyl record album.

It was probably on the 4th or 5th lap, when all of a sudden there was a huge thud. The tractor bounced backwards, then surged quickly forward, before a second, smaller thud caused it to stall. What the hell just happened? I quickly came to the realization I had run into the goalpost with the loader. As successively smaller laps were made around the field, I made the mistake of keeping my eyes focused on the mower behind me and the unmowed path immediately in front of me. Unfortunately, the raised loader had obstructed my view of the goalpost and uprights.

Tilted goalposts at Gillette Stadium. (via boston.com)

I jumped off the tractor to inspect the damage. As viewed from the 10-yard line, the uprights were tilted to the left with a big dent in the right side of the post. Mind you, goalposts are made of some pretty thick iron! Furthermore, while I was mowing, the bucket of the loader was tilted back while it was raised, causing the front portion of the bucket to become dented and bent upward. Notice in the loader photo above that the bucket is constructed of some pretty thick metal!

I didn’t know what to do, so I drove the mile back to the equipment garage to tell my supervisor, upon which we drove the tractor back to the field to take a look together. I must admit, it looked rather funny to see the uprights tilted. Even my supervisor couldn’t hold back a good belly laugh. All I could imagine was a visiting team showing up for a game and seeing the tilted uprights wondering, “What the hell is this?”

After pondering a bit, my supervisor decided to see if the goalpost could be straightened. He hopped onto the tractor and placed the bucket under the left upright and slowly lifted it higher and higher. As he lifted, the uprights swayed back and forth with each boost of the hydraulics. I kept thinking that the crossbar would bend and break, but it held up. Eventually, the crossbar became level, but the collision on the right side of the post and the subsequent lifting of the crossbar on the opposing side left the goalpost with a slight crook. The crook was still noticeable, but it was much better than tilted uprights!

It wasn’t long before we were back in school, football season came and went, and along came winter. It was my senior year. When the first snowfall arrived, I recall walking down the staircase at the high school. I looked out the window and couldn’t help but notice the parking lot had been cleared. The very tractor I had crashed into the goalpost had been used to remove the snow. How did I know?

Because…approximately 1/3 of the distance across each path made by the bucket, there was a wide and perfectly triangulated ridge of snow at the point the bucket had crashed into the goalpost. The bucket was no longer able to scrape the snow down to the bare pavement in a single pass, as each pass produced a triangulated ridge.

All I once, I felt a warm rush of embarrassment flow through my body that eventually gave way to a devious smirk. I can still imagine spectators, players, and coaches showing up and seeing the slight crook in the post and wondering, “What the hell happened here?”

Of course, I felt like an idiot for a long time, but would still (and still do) look back upon this event and chuckle. Perhaps 15-20 years ago, I recall driving past the field to check whether the old goalposts were still standing, but they were no longer there. Thanks to Google Maps, I was able to view an image captured in 2019 to confirm that the goalposts had indeed been removed (https://goo.gl/maps/iEc47hc9y6YLStzF9).

So…I don’t have any actual photo evidence the events I described actually took place. However, I am here to tell you that I swear by this Lance Story. It is indeed TRUE and was not simply “inspired” by real events. This is the way it went down, at least as best as I can recall. I hope you enjoyed!

Lance S. Lund
Lance@ChemLancer.com
as remembered and written on March 29, 2023